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Whinging Wednesday - What's Up With That Horatio Caine?


horatio_caine_pose

How typical! This is exactly the kind of unnatural pose you'd expect to find of Horatio Caine. In case you don't know who he is, (lucky you!) he's the head of the CSI Miami team, played by David Caruso. His series of actions in each painful episode is extensively and redundantly choreographed: a foolish pose, a sideways glance for no particular reason (but to show what he must think is his 'good' side), and then a deliberate slow removal of those daft dark glasses he puts on just to take off. 

I mean, for crying out loud (the word stop) who dreams up or plays a character so shallow. He must have one hundred words in each episode; unintelligible phrases seemingly written for the sole purpose to make him sound 'hot' (they do not!). Who knows, these could be arbitrary lines taken out of thin air regardless of the plot going on sideways in the rest of the show. And believe me, ALL that Horatio Cainehttp://www.assoc-amazon.com/e/ir?t=shakes06-20&l=btl&camp=213689&creative=392969&o=1&a=B00394TEEC says or does is so redundant it has to go parallel to the action rather than with it.  

Unlike Grisham/Ray Langston in CSI (the original), Horatio does no real work. He just stumbles across the answer in the last 10 minutes of the show, an answer, no doubt, he knew all along.  Yes, his time is spent parading the screen, saying his lines, then prancing off into the orange sunset. He has no emotions (is this the actor or the character? The two of them have long since mashed together in a migraine of red and wrinkled play-dough where I'm concerned). He stands uncomfortably sideways (not a good look and certainly not working for a person with a queer sort of bendy-back thing going on). All his lines are delivered in the same tone, same volume, same pitch of nothingness.
In one episode, Alex asks, 'Could you put a rush on this?' as she looks at him, mastering a mixture of pleading and worry on her face. The following is his slack response: he takes his dark glasses off slowly in his crab-like sideway-ness, (no, sideway-ness is not a word, but that's only because the Oxford dictionary has never seen Horatio Caine) looks at something somewhere between himself and her, and with a flat voice says, 'priority number one' and walks off frame. What? Who says that then walks away? If he's always in such a hurry to walk off, why doesn't he stay gone?

horatio_caine_poses
Arrrggghhhhhhh!

I wonder what he does for the show. Eye candy? certainly not! Great acting? How dare you even ask that! It's definitely not for quick-fire interaction because never looks at the people with whom he speaks. How can a director let that pass. Please, someone, just tell him it doesn't work!   

He moves like a snake just about to shed its skin, slowly, slithering, devoid of articulation. He holds his hands together like a politician giving his inaugural speech. (Wait! do you think he's a bit confused? Perhaps he thinks he's really going for the Presidential seat? Obama, had better watch his step)

Bottom line, there are lots of other 'minor' actors who could do a better job. (like that Bud from 'Married With Children') The event that convinced me this poser was just that, was when he said, 'you're going to die' to some dude, then waltzed off with his eye bags, holding a the-kettle-has-just-boiled-let's-get-some-mint-flavoured-tea expression on his face. Then he had the audacity to use this exact look later on when his friend and colleague, 'Eric' was on his death bed. This series of events followed both incidents: ginger eyebrows cocked at a particularly weird angle, pose, side step, head turned at a peculiar angle, glasses off, say the line, glasses on again. 

I've waited a long time for this whinge. I feel better for it now. That, and I can't watch CSI Miami as long as Horatio Caine is in it. 

15 comments:

Carmen Araneta May 5, 2010 at 11:32 AM  

And they always shoot his profile with his double chin, and then from that profile he suddenly turns and the drama revolves around that. I smile while writing this coz I never knew how cruel I was.

dabrah May 5, 2010 at 11:33 AM  

I gave up watching CSI some time ago. It all got a bit tired for me. Love the word pictures you paint.

Icy BC May 5, 2010 at 12:44 PM  

Just from the photos in your blog, I thought he looks cheesy, not hot! I like David Caruso, but didn't know he has such a feminine poses about him...

I don't watch this show, so this is a good whinge to read..

Anne Lyken-Garner May 5, 2010 at 12:55 PM  

Carmen, welcome to my blog.
Dabrah, so nice to see you again. Hope things are going well with you.
Icy, you're not missing anything. Although, CSI (Vegas) is a top quality show.

DoanLegacy May 5, 2010 at 2:24 PM  

He looks like a sissy, and can't believe he would pose like those.

Loree May 5, 2010 at 8:40 PM  

I watch it to have a giggle every now and then. Much prefer the Vegas version. You'll probably think I'm weird but we used to have this cat, and she would really watch CSI Miami. So I had made up this voice for her and she would say that Horatio was hot and that she had a thing going for him.

Yvonne Perry May 8, 2010 at 5:29 PM  

My husband does the Horatio sideways-sunglasses-off thing just to annoy me. And, it DOES!

Anne Lyken-Garner May 9, 2010 at 9:21 AM  

Girls, I'm so glad it's not just me. Why does he do that weird thing? I watched Supernatural the other day and Sam and Dean were in this sort of evil TV game show.

They became characters of popular series and had to answer questions to save their lives. At one point they got stuck in a crime drama (nameless) but it was clear to see which one it was because Dean wore sunglasses, and stood sideways, talking gibberish. It was extremely funny!

Holli May 10, 2010 at 3:07 AM  

That is so funny that you wrote about this- Saturday Night Live did a skit with Betty White just last night as a parody of CSI with really old people as the detectives, and Betty White kept taking off her dark sunglasses and looking into the camera while saying something inane. I didn't quite get it because I had only watched the original CSI and quit when Sara left, but now it makes sense. One of Betty White's lines, in response to a question, was "My answer is like my underwear, Depends." The line was funny, but I didn't get the removing the glasses thing until now. Thanks!

Holli Castillo
Gumbo Justice
www.gumbojustice.net

Anne Lyken-Garner May 10, 2010 at 3:11 PM  

Hi Holli, and welcome to my blog. That was funny, but it is definitely the kind of thing Horatio Caine does.
BTW, Sara is back on CSI.

myletterstoemily May 10, 2010 at 9:28 PM  

ha ha! how do you really feel about him?

if we are flipping through channels, and
his show flashes by, we always say, "oh
no, not him!" i never even knew what his
name was. :)

Anne Lyken-Garner May 11, 2010 at 9:12 AM  

I thought I was a bit biased. Now I know that he irks lots of other people. They should really do something about it.

Anonymous August 30, 2010 at 3:41 AM  

I PERSONALLY THINK THAT DAVID CARUSO IS THE CAT'S MEOW. HE IS ABOSOLUTELY SEXY IN MY BOOK NO MATTER WHAT ANYONE ELSE SAYS. IN MY HEART HE IS NUMBER ONE.

Larry October 8, 2010 at 9:16 PM  

hehehehe..! ;D it is extremely funny to watch this shit.. have none of you ladies realised it is possible to simply not watch the show?

I think that Horatio Caine rocks btw.. He was so cool in season 1, 2 and 3.. then in season 4 he stopped working in the lab.. then season 5 he made his voice darker.. then in season 6 and 7 he got Sensei sorta.. then in season 8 he got a little more normal.. then in the begining of season 9 he got sorta cool again.. and now.. we just wait and watch! :D

Anonymous September 11, 2012 at 6:02 PM  

Caine cracks me up! He's the fairest fella in hot & humid Miami (red hair, ivory freckled skin) and is ALWAYS wearing a black suit (once saw him in light gray - some flashback scene I think). Same with Calleigh when hiding her pregnancy - always in a black leather jacket, indoors and out! And then there's Horatio's sun glasses thing...ever notice he removes his glasses when outside and puts them on when inside? Seems like a good college drinking game somehow. Thanks for the laughs CSI Miami, we love it!

Anne's a published author, freelance writer and experienced editor. She's just signed her second publishing contract this year with 2 separate publishing houses. You can hire her or see her available books in the side panel on the right.
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